"The Coleslaw Conundrum: A Cautionary Tale of Cabbage Be Gone!"

September 14, 2023

In our contemporary culinary landscape, there lurks an insidious villain, undermining countless meals with its vicious onslaught of shredded vegetation and scarcely seasonable sauce. This offensive outlier, this seemingly harmless side dish, is none other than coleslaw. Now, dearest reader, do not let yourself be beguiled by memories of quaint picnics or barbecues where coleslaw was the silent, creamy sidekick. For in this discourse, I shall reveal the coleslaw conundrum for what it truly is: a cautionary tale of ‘Cabbage Be Gone!’

In the beginning, there was cabbage - pure, raw, and crisp. It was a vegetable diligence, promoting digestive health, rich in vitamin C and K. We boiled it, stir-fried it, or simply crunched on it as nature intended, rejoicing in its fresh simplicity. However, somewhere down the line, a tragic idea was born: to shred this venerable vegetable into unrecognizable, microscopic bits and drown it in an alarming concoction of mayonnaise and vinegar. Thus, dear readers, coleslaw was born, turning glorious cabbage into a matter of culinary mockery.

Perhaps the most disarming quality of coleslaw is its apparent harmlessness. It sits quietly in its bowl, humbly placing itself next to the glorious fried chicken or the boastful beef burger. The unassuming eater, their palate dulled by the exquisite flavors of the main dish, may not even notice their first bite of coleslaw. But alas! As they continue to eat, an eerie sense of mediocrity pervades, a dull, inexplicable dissatisfaction with their meal. This, dear reader, is the subtle terror of coleslaw, stealthily sapping the joy from our dining experience.

Moreover, questions naturally arise over the mayonnaise-vinegar debate – an admittedly polarizing dilemma that has been the root of countless squabbles and family feuds, causing a rift in the society's fabric. Some clamor for a creamy coleslaw, shimmering in its mayonnaise blanket, while others champion the zesty vinegar-based variant as the one true coleslaw. It is this chaos, this divisive tendency, that pinpoints coleslaw’s true malevolence: causing discourse and disharmony under the guise of being an accommodating side dish.

And what of the sacrilegious add-ons? Oh yes, the onslaught doesn't end with the cabbage. Carrots, apples, onions – all these noble commodities are reduced to mere supporting roles in this tragedy, their individual flavors muffled and their textures warped, only to serve coleslaw's evil plot of culinary dominion.

Proponents of coleslaw may argue its merits as a refreshing side dish, a cooling antidote to accompanying spicy main courses. But ask thyself, conscience-stricken critic, is not a simple salad a more dignified variant? Has our society fallen so far that we savage raw foodstuffs, only to mask their natural flavor with sauces and condiments, thus producing coleslaw, the cabbage monster that haunts our culinary landscape?

So let us remember the unadulterated joy of devouring the original, unsullied form of cabbage, and render our full commitment to steering clear of the coleslaw conundrum. Let the cabbage thrive in its full-fledged form, liberated from the clutches of the mayonnaise-vinegar war, and the inglorious shredder. Let it serve as an ode to simplicity and authenticity in a world that's tainted by the chaotic, overdressed ambivalence of coleslaw. For it is time to put an end to the coleslaw conundrum, for the sake of our palates, our peace - and indeed, our very humanity.