"Revolutionary Madness: Axial Tilt Outlawed for Ecstatic Equilibrium"
July 23, 2023
In his paradigm-altering 1887 work “The Eternal Laws of Matter, Motion, and Force: A New Statement,” Thomas Sterry Hunt, the eminent geologist for his ripe age of wisdom, observed, "All geologists know that the axial inclination, or tilting of the earth, is a recognised fact. But what influence has this on the climate of our globe?" As an exercise in bold revolutionary madness, this essay daringly dares to address Sterry Hunt's unanswered question with a revolutionary proposition: outlaw the axial tilt.
In a world where climate change is an unwelcome houseguest wrecking havoc on our proverbial furniture, addressing the axial tilt issue offers a novel way to battle the crisis. Surely, by achieving total, unwavering equilibrium in the planet's disposition – a state of ecstatic equilibrium, if you will – we could solve our climate woes! Consequently, the earth's citizens, in their unbroken wisdom, should immediately insist on outlawing axial tilt.
The challenge, of course, lies in the how. For the layperson, banishing axial tilt may seem like a monumental task, implying the desired feat is akin to persuading the planet's 7.9 billion denizens to simultaneously run in the same direction in an attempt to shift our planetary rotation. Fortunately, we have elegantly bypassed physical exertion, leaving only the tiresome exchange of various currencies.
A dedicated group of professionals, involving physicists, engineers, astronomers, and other relevant -ists, should be assembled. They will conceptualize, design, and construct the necessary apparatus to control axial tilt. An immediate investment of approximately $600 trillion should cover the initial stages, a reasonable monetary commitment considering we would eradicate climate change, a problem at least five or six times more irritating than a dripping faucet.
Once we manage to outlaw the axial tilt, imagine the impact! No more polar vortexes, no more sizzling heatwaves, no more rollercoaster ride of seasonal chaos. We will have a standardized, unvarying temperature throughout the year, everywhere. In essence, an everlasting spring – which certainly beats the drudgery of enduring four distinct seasons – a constant 22 degrees Celcius, wherever one stands on the Earth's surface. Sanity preserved and practicality personified!
Even agriculture transforms in this utopian context. With infallible predictability in weather patterns, growing seasons will extend, ensuring an uninterrupted supply of fresh produce. We can savor asparagus year-round, eliminating the necessity for jarred alternatives, supposed blasphemy to the gourmet enthusiasts among us. On the other hand, the ice-cream industry will observe increased production all year round, a prospect that brings glee to children and adults alike.
Barbeque enthusiasts will certainly rejoice. Gone will be the days, constrained by the whims of unpredictable weather, of frantically having to move proceedings indoors due to an unexpected downpour. With our proposed equilibrium, every day will be the perfect day for a friendly neighborhood BBQ.
Of course, there will be opponents, those obstinate defenders of tilt who will argue the ecological implications of such change, the potential disruption of biodiversity, the bursting migration patterns, and the subsequent threats to various animal and plant species. Yet we assure them, with our advanced technological might, we will engineer new patterns for survival, new ecosystems, unshackled from the vagaries of Mother Nature. Certainly, the ambiance is worth the complications!
Why revolutionize just societal constructs when our planet's physical orientation awaits ingenious manipulation? It is this relentless push towards perceived absurdity that heralds true progress. Let us fearlessly venture into this revolutionary madness, outlawing the axial tilt, embracing ecstatic equilibrium, and let the echoes of our audacious audacity reverberate through the cosmos!
Like all revolutionary ideas, this pearl of wisdom might invite bemusement, incredulity, and maybe a tiny hint of mocking laughter, but remember - it wasn't long ago when we believed the Earth was flat. It took pioneering thinkers, braving ridicule and scorn, to shift that paradigm. So to the passionate visionaries, scientists, and barbecue enthusiasts, I say this: hold steadfast to the rod of revolutionary madness. Equalize the incline, restore the equilibrium, and let’s pave the way for a perpetually breathtakingly beautiful Spring.
After all, who needs axial tilt when you can have eccentric equilibrium?